Kalli's Journal

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Passion

Gasping for breath, Cloud tore at the blankets, fighting the tangle he was trapped in and fighting the weight on his chest.

"Did I wake you?" a voice asked him as the weight slid off to the side to pull at those same blankets. "Brother?"

The moonlight streaming in through the curtainless window did little to hide the freakish glow in Cloud's eyes as he lunged for the figure already retreating.

Lungs demanding air and forcing him to stop and cough, Cloud missed, leaving himself sprawled awkwardly across the bed, air between his hands as almost musical laughter echoed around him.

"You must have been dreaming," Kadaj commented, slinking to the other side of the bed to reach down and trace the bottom of one of Cloud's bare feet. No reaction. "Not ticklish?"

"No," Cloud replied coldly as he pulled himself almost into a ball before settling to sit on his legs, regarding Kadaj with a look of pure disgust on his face. "A few years of torture and that kinda goes away."

Kadaj slid a knee onto the bed, leaning to meet Cloud's gaze from just a meter away. As he brushed his hair back, Cloud shivered.

"You crawled out of the Lifestream just to wake me up?" Cloud asked a moment later. He didn't blink. He didn't move.

"I'm not armed, brother," Kadaj said, holding out his hands. "Tell me what you were dreaming about."

"No," Cloud replied, shifting a bit to make sure that his sword was within a second's grab and that indeed, Kadaj had nothing with him.

"Why?" Kadaj asked. "I think I know what you dream about. I... I came across a few memories floating around deep within the planet."

"If you want to fight..."

"No," Kadaj interrupted as he slid fully onto the bed to where Cloud was holding his position, refraining from any movement unless absolutely needed. "Really, I just wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you..."

"Tell me?"

"I understand now," Kadaj said, a thin smile forming on his face. "I understand... Love."

"What?" Cloud asked, shaking his head even as Kadaj drew in closer.

"Love," Kadaj repeated. "I understand it. Do you?"

"Love?" Cloud questioned, pausing almost as though he really did have to think about it. "Yes, but..."

"I found it," Kadaj continued, almost oblivious to Cloud even speaking. "Those memories. His memories..."

"Sephiroth," Cloud surmised. "There's a fine line between love and hate."

"I don't think there's a line at all," Kadaj said quickly, eyes wide as he smiled. "Either way, it's passion. It's brilliant and I had to come to tell you."

"You're insane."

"No!" Kadaj insisted, crawling back off the bed, hands reaching to toy with the collar to his top almost absently. "How dare you deny...!"

"Shh," Cloud hissed, lunging forward and off the bed, grabbing Kadaj. "I won't let you wake the others."

"Love," Kadaj murmured, sliding a gloved hand along Cloud's back and feeling him shiver beneath it. "You love her, don't you? And the children."

"If you dare lay a finger on..." Cloud began, only to find Kadaj's mouth over his, kissing him awkwardly.

"Kadaj!" He forced Kadaj away from him, turning away. "Don't..."

"Why?" Kadaj asked, circling around Cloud to occupy a tight space between the bed and wall. "Is it her? Your bed doesn't smell like her. Only you. It only smells of you. Or... Do you go to her bed? No... I have some of those memories too, Cloud."

"Stop."

"His bed, then. The young one. It's been a few years, hasn't it? Time... isn't the same," Kadaj said, sliding onto the bed and reaching again to toy with the collar of his outfit, pulling a bit at the zipper. "He has to be about the age that you were when..."

"No," Cloud said harshly. "If you have those memories, you know that I can't..."

There was only silence for a moment, a quiet built like a wall that divided them.

"Can't..." Kadaj repeated softly a minute later. "That's right... the Mako..."

"There. Are you happy?" Cloud asked. He shifted, turning to look out the window and up at the moon. "Or is there something else you'd like to harass me about?"

"No," Kadaj said softly, the sound of his zipper sliding downward almost louder than his voice. "But... There were times when..."

"Please don't," Cloud began, turning to see just what Kadaj was doing.

"There is no line, brother," Kadaj said, beginning to slide out of leather. "No line to cross - nothing to regret. You already know that."

"Is this what you think of as 'love'?" Cloud asked before turning away again. "I don't want that."

"I... I remember this," Kadaj said, his voice breaking. "But it was Sephiroth saying that. He just didn't want to disappoint you, though. Not knowing if he could even manage to get it up for the pretty little cadet who had his legs spread."

"Shut up!" Cloud hissed, turning back and crawling onto the bed, pushing Kadaj down against the mattress and holding him there with one hand. "That memory isn't for you."

"Is that what you dream of?" Kadaj asked, his eyes bright. "Those rare moments of consummation?"

"I told you to shut up," Cloud replied, his voice low. He was on top of Kadaj now, his weight the same as Kadaj had been on him.

"I bet you were hoping that when you lost your little gift," Kadaj whispered, coughing once before trailing fingers along Cloud's left arm, "that you'd suddenly be free of that little affliction, too."

"I don't miss..." Cloud began, stopping when Kadaj's fingers wrapped against his own.

"Don't you?" Kadaj asked, arching up against Cloud to press his own hardness against Cloud's abdomen. "I think... I think you wish you could."

"Is this your idea of love?" Cloud asked as he sat up, letting go of Kadaj and almost pushing him away. He made his way to the edge of the bed, feet dangling over as though he was going to stand and leave.

"Part of love is passion," Kadaj purred, crawling to lean against Cloud, his hair tickling along Cloud's neck. "I can't help feeling this."

"If I tell you no?"

"You won't," Kadaj replied, kissing Cloud's neck as his hands ran along Cloud's sides, stopping where bare skin was hidden by thin cotton sleep-pants.

"Why won't I?"

"Because you remember," Kadaj explained as he slid off the bed and settled on his knees at Cloud's feet. "Because I remember, even if the memory isn't mine."

"Kadaj..."

Kadaj reached up a hand to silence Cloud, pushing his legs apart and reaching for where buttons held cotton closed at the waistband.

"You were so happy," Kadaj said, his voice almost wistful. "Laying there with him, touching him. Being touched. You didn't care. That's..."

"Love," Cloud finished, reaching down to run his fingers through Kadaj's hair. "But you..."

"Want to do this. With you." And as he finished speaking, he leaned to kiss exposed flesh before running his tongue the length of Cloud's flaccid penis.

"It won't work," Cloud murmured, his fingers paused.

"He said that to you. You kept trying."

"Yes..."

"It worked..."

Cloud leaned back, unable to more than enjoy the sensation of being so intimately touched. Even if he wasn't getting hard, Kadaj's tongue and mouth on him still felt good. Kadaj's hands pulled at his sleep-pants, prompting him to lift his hips and let them be pulled down.

And he could hear the zippers of Kadaj's own clothing.

"You can... take me," Cloud said, remembering the very obvious arousal that Kadaj had to be freeing.

"No," Kadaj said, his breath hot against Cloud's skin where he paused to speak. "No... I have a memory of one night."

Cloud's breath caught in his throat, coming out almost as a cough.

"That's what I want. One night when you could and he couldn't."

"Love," Cloud murmured, shaking his head as Kadaj returned to his efforts. "You are insane."

Kadaj's hands teased at him, trailing lower and free of the leather that had been covering them before.

"Come up on the bed," Cloud said suddenly, reaching a hand down, almost expecting Kadaj not to take it. "Please."

"But..."

"I'm not going to make you stop," Cloud continued as he pulled Kadaj back on top of his body, to how they'd started. Kadaj kissed him, softly at first and with a lingering nervousness. Cloud rolled Kadaj beneath him, deepening the kiss, forcing his tongue into Kadaj's mouth to meet with Kadaj's own. With a hand between their bodies, he grasped at Kadaj's erection, sliding it against his own unresponsive body before breaking the kiss.

"I can't," he whispered, the fingers of his other hand tangling in Kadaj's hair.

Green eyes met his own.

"I'm not done trying, brother," Kadaj said before pushing at Cloud and guiding him back onto the bed. Starting at Cloud's neck, Kadaj kissed each bit of skin, slipping up to nip at where silver-coated steel pierced Cloud's ear before moving back downward, neglecting nothing. Cloud hissed as teeth found his nipples, alternating at the brink of pain and pleasure as Kadaj blurred yet another line.

"Ah..." As Kadaj dipped to lick the scars that trailed by his navel, Cloud couldn't help crying out. His body was responding - doing something more than lingering in pleasure that lacked finish.

"Yes," Kadaj whispered, reaching down to take Cloud's partial arousal in one hand, stroking until he could adjust his body lower and take it in his mouth. As wet heat consumed him, Cloud could only moan, trying to find the words to express what needed to follow.

"Kadaj..." Cloud stammered. "Gonna... need something for you."

"I know," Kadaj replied, the words vibrating deep inside Cloud's body. Glancing around the small, sparse room, Cloud's gaze caught on a bottle of lotion sitting at the edge of his dresser.

"On the dresser..."

Kadaj was on his feet, moving with his unworldly speed, quick enough that Cloud had just reached down to make sure he didn't lose his erection.

"Like this," Kadaj said, not so much to Cloud as to himself, closing his eyes as though he was watching the memory he was attempting to play out. "Yes..."

Cloud shivered as the cool lotion was spread onto him, thankful that the feel of Kadaj's hands and the memory of Kadaj's mouth on him was keeping him hard.

"How?" Kadaj asked. "Like this?"

He slid up a bit, straddling Cloud and reaching behind, positioning himself. Cloud's hands tangled with his, guiding.

"Yes," Cloud said, feeling tight muscle against the tip of his erection. "It's going to hurt."

"No," Kadaj said as he pushed downward, taking the first couple inches of Cloud's arousal into his body. He squeezed his eyes closed again as his body shook. "I'm... okay."

Cloud just let his hands slide to Kadaj's hips, not pulling down and trying not to thrust up.

After a moment, Kadaj gritted his teeth and sank all the way down, pausing again and finally opening his eyes when Cloud moaned.

"Cloud?"

"If you move," Cloud said, looking up into eyes rimmed with tears, "I'm going to come."

"Then come," Kadaj said, shifting his body a bit and making Cloud moan again.

"But..."

"Make me come," Kadaj interrupted, reaching down to slip one of Cloud's hands from his hip and guiding it to his erection. "Touch me."

Kadaj shifted again once Cloud started to stroke him. Cloud's hand moved quickly, grabbing a bit of the discarded lotion after a moment.

"Move," Cloud demanded, thrusting up a bit when Kadaj stayed still for a second too long. Kadaj cried out as he raised himself slightly before his body was met with Cloud's, motion meeting as a pain-filled cry turned to one of pleasure.

"Brother..."

"Hold on," Cloud instructed, pulling Kadaj to him and rolling their bodies, thrusting into Kadaj's body once Kadaj was beneath him and working at Kadaj's erection mercilessly.

"Yes," Kadaj whispered, grabbing at Cloud's back. "Just like this. You remember..."

"No..." Cloud replied. "This is a new memory."

"Yes..." Kadaj dug his nails against Cloud's back, holding on tight as he came, his body shuddering as Cloud kept stroking him to pull every bit of pleasure from him as possible.

"Yes," Cloud agreed, finding Kadaj's mouth with his own and letting Kadaj suck at his tongue as he thrust faster into Kadaj's body.

Breaking the kiss to bury his head against Kadaj's shoulder as his own climax overwhelmed him, Cloud knew he was being too rough - knew he was leaving bruises on pale skin as he emptied himself with his first orgasm in more years than he cared to think about.

Gasping for breath, again, and shivering as he tried to prop himself on his elbows to at least look at Kadaj, Cloud was surprised to see a smile.

"There," Kadaj said. "That's love."

"Love?" Cloud mused.

"Giving you something... like that," Kadaj explained, blinking once.

Cloud laughed.

"Not that..." Kadaj corrected with a slight pout. "Not just that. A memory."

Finding his own space on the bed, Cloud slipped a hand over Kadaj's midsection, keeping Kadaj close to him.

"Scared that I'll leave you, brother?" Kadaj asked, grabbing that hand and bringing it up to his mouth to kiss each finger.

"No."

"What then?"

"Nothing," Cloud replied, chuckling and leaning to kiss Kadaj. "Nothing at all."