Kalli's Journal

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Lemons

There was an emptiness - an ache like hunger that no meal could sate - inside of him after Cloud carried him down from the destroyed building to where the Sierra could safely pick them up. Kadaj wasn't sure how they'd survived the explosion. He thought he'd already been gone, and without so many words, Cloud had confirmed that.

Just another error, Kadaj decided. Miscalculation. Either way, Yazoo and Loz were gone and he knew part of the ache that seemed to want to consume him was their absence in his daily life.

At times, the ache raged and at times it ebbed, leaving him willing to try to help Tifa wash dishes in the bar or whatever else Cloud asked of him. Cloud insisted on keeping track of him, and the few times he'd slipped out at night, he'd been properly returned by morning.

Lacking purpose and will, though, having somewhere to be and something to do was enough.

"Kadaj, would you mind chopping some lemons?" Tifa asked as she emerged from the backroom of the bar with a plastic container of whole lemons. Only recently had he been allowed to reach for any of the knives that Tifa kept around.

He was a bit of a kept pet, yes, but in the evenings, Cloud would talk to him, and he could talk to Cloud. That, in a way, was enough to justify many things.

Kadaj nodded, reaching to take the pail from her and clutch it close to himself. If this was what normal children felt like, it wasn't terrible. Even Denzel and Marlene had finally begun to warm up to him, inviting him to play games or draw pictures. And each time, he did. Sometimes it helped with the emptiness. And sometimes, it just passed the hours.

One lemon quickly became eight near-perfect lemon wedges beneath his hands, and was pushed to the side to do another. He knew the drill - half as wedges, half as slices. Limes would likely be next. Or some vegetable.

"What should we have for lunch?" Tifa asked a minute later.

"I don't know," Kadaj said softly. He kept thinking he should probably have favourite foods, or at least things he liked. Tifa was a pretty good cook - anything she suggested would be fine.

"Don't be afraid to ask for things," Tifa commented as she stepped around him and went to heat the grill. "I'll just make sandwiches. When you’re done with that, would you let Marlene and Denzel know that lunch is almost ready?"

"Okay." Kadaj kept chopping, but he tried to pick up his pace a bit. Sometimes Marlene and Denzel were not terribly easy to find and he hadn't even heard them in the last bit of time. That in itself was odd, since the day was grey and rainy and they were currently stuck inside.

With half the lemons wedged and dumped into a covered bowl to be put away, Kadaj started chopping the others into slices.

He frowned as the end of one lemon went sailing off the counter and onto the floor.

"Damn," he muttered, turning to see where it had landed.

"What?" Tifa asked from the other end of the bar. She frowned as well and started walking over.

"I dropped a piece," Kadaj said. He stepped back, looking down, and before he could grab at anything, he started to slip.

"Kadaj!" Tifa lunged for him, but it was too late - he'd located his lost lemon by slipping on it. Which was exactly why he was supposed to pick up after himself immediately.

His hand just missed hers and he couldn't find anything to catch himself on. And really, Kadaj hoped that noise wasn't his head hitting the edge of the back counter.

But it was.

He welcomed the black.

The rain was hitting against the window when he opened his eyes, and he couldn't tell what time of day it was because of the storm. For a moment, Kadaj was confused, but then he remembered his embarrassing defeat by lemon.

Strangely, his head didn't hurt. Nothing did, and he was fairly sure he didn't heal that quickly, even if he did seem to rival Cloud in that department.

Kadaj blinked. He didn't feel... anything. No ache, no emptiness, no longing for something he couldn't explain.

"You're awake."

Eyes wide, Kadaj froze. Slowly, he rolled on the bed to see if his ears were deceiving him or if he really did have someone sitting with him, waiting for him to wake.

"No," he whispered, eyeing silver hair and black leather and pale skin all somehow muted by the overcast sky. "No..."

"You look surprised," Sephiroth said as he stood, leaning over Kadaj and smiling wickedly. His hair trailed downward, tickling at Kadaj's arms and telling him that it was indeed very real.

"Tifa..." Kadaj tried. He didn't seem to be able to scream. "Cloud? Anyone?"

"They can't help you. Don't you know that? They've never been able to help you," Sephiroth said as he brought a knee up onto the bed. Kadaj tried to back away but found the far edge of his bed much too quickly.

The silence was broken only be the storm getting worse. The raindrops against the window began to sound more like beginnings of hail and as much as Kadaj wanted to turn and look, he didn't dare let his eyes travel from matching green.

"Every answer... you got every answer," Kadaj pleaded. "You did, she did. Go."

"No," Sephiroth said. "There's one more thing."

"One more thing?" Kadaj asked. Sephiroth was over him, easily moving him, and he couldn't bring himself to resist.

"One more answer," Sephiroth corrected. The smirk on his face frightened Kadaj enough that Kadaj closed his eyes. His mind was racing and he couldn't quite piece anything together. Not until silver hair pooled around him and he could feel Sephiroth's breath against his lips.

"Oh..." And Sephiroth kissed him. The contact was brief and light but Kadaj could still feel the pressure of Sephiroth's mouth against his even as he opened his eyes and found himself looking up into amused insanity.

Sex had always been something for others, for Yazoo and Loz, for Tifa, for Cloud. Kadaj hadn't been interested - just curious why such a ridiculous act was so fascinating to adults. He didn't think himself one of them.

Yet Sephiroth kissed him again, and again until he was moving on his own, reaching up to twist his fingers into Sephiroth's hair and then lower to bared skin.

He heard Sephiroth chuckle, somewhere between those kisses, and somewhere before Sephiroth sat back and reached to pull his gloves off by nipping each middle-finger with his teeth and giving a sharp yank. That chuckle was unnerving because it spoke of something deeper and unknown. Yet Kadaj could not think of anyone who would give him a better education. Or so he told himself.

Still, he pulled away when Sephiroth reached to push his shirt up.

"Don't," Kadaj said quickly, grabbing at the hem. He searched for his fury and ached for his anger and neither seemed to be inside him. He gasped at the realization - they had never been his.

"You seem to be enjoying yourself," Sephiroth commented as he let go of the shirt and instead drew his hand down between Kadaj's legs where his erection was neatly trapped beneath denim. Kadaj hissed at the contact and pressed into it. Even so, he cursed his body for the reaction and for beginning to override his mind.

Maybe, maybe he didn't mind.

With a little nod, he let go of his shirt and moved his hands to his sides, utterly unsure of what he was supposed to be doing, if anything. At some point, Kadaj figured he'd need to reciprocate the attention, even if it was with his awkward non-understanding. Despite all the times he'd played at being an adult, this was different.

He moaned - a sound that had been caught somewhere between his mouth and the hand now stroking him through fabric that had only managed to escape by chance.

"Relax," Sephiroth urged. Kadaj felt hands undoing his pants but couldn't quite look down. He didn't want to see his cock in Sephiroth's hands yet. He wasn't quite that ready. Not for something so ugly and pretty and... He moaned again as skin met skin and his pants were jerked downward as if with practiced skill.

Normally, or, once upon a time normally, Loz had been the one to cry. Even Yazoo, on occasion. But Kadaj didn't cry. He hardly believed the wetness on his face after a few short strokes of Sephiroth's hand against him had him crying out and climaxing. It felt dirty, and wrong, and as if he'd insulted Sephiroth by being so weak.

Kadaj expected anger, not a simple rustle of clothing that proved to be Sephiroth undressing. Eyes wide, Kadaj stared and tried to take in every inch of what he had once become.

"Sephiroth," Kadaj whispered. He understood why Jenova had favoured him - why everyone had, even Cloud. And he wasn't even totally surprised to see his own hands reaching out - inviting.

He felt a little silly to still have his shirt and socks on, but that thought drifted away once Sephiroth was sucking at his neck, making Kadaj squirm a bit and grab at Sephiroth's back.

Moaning, he tried to touch Sephiroth without blatant curiousity. But even as he skimmed downward with his fingertips to see if he could reach between their bodies, he couldn't help comparing each line and curve, wondering about himself and his absent brothers.

When Sephiroth moved lower, however, Kadaj just tried to hold on. After his accidental climax, he hadn't expected his body to react again so quickly. Sephiroth simply licked away all traces of that, no longer smirking but simply radiating experience and desire.

Kadaj grabbed at the blankets beneath him as Sephiroth's tongue trailed over the length of his cock. If this was all he could take - and all he could give, he was happy. When Sephiroth reached to push Kadaj's legs apart, Kadaj spread them almost eagerly.

"This will hurt," Sephiroth commented, not so much as a warning than as a statement of simple truth. Kadaj took the time to chuckle - he couldn't imagine a pain any worse than what he'd been through.

Closing his eyes again, Kadaj listened to the rain for a few seconds before he felt Sephiroth's fingers pressing against his opening and forcing inside. He winced, but it was more surprise than pain. Sephiroth had to have found something while undressing that he was using to ease the invasion, but Kadaj wasn't sure just what. He didn't care - he simply wanted more.

Sephiroth didn't stop him when he reached down to stroke himself. Kadaj didn't often masturbate, but he felt it rather like learning to ride a motorcycle - once everything's there, it's there. Touching himself distracted a bit from the lingering uncomfort of fingers moving and stretching within him, anyway.

He didn't dare open his eyes. Not until those fingers were pulled back and he felt Sephiroth shifting against him. Then he just stared, eyes wide as Sephiroth spread a bit of lubricant onto his own cock and positioned himself, not looking away from his task as he thrust forward. Kadaj smiled as the pain raced through him, making him want to pull away and curl into a ball. Finally Sephiroth looked up, that smirk having returned in force. He pushed all the way into Kadaj's body, making Kadaj arch and drop his hands, grabbing again at the covers without thinking. He tore at them, grabbing at anything he could as he tried not to look away from Sephiroth moving in and out of his body.

Inside him.

Kadaj was grateful when Sephiroth started stroking his erection in an almost perfect rhythm with his thrusts - there wasn't any way he could have gone back to it. Not when the pressure and friction was finally becoming something close to pleasure.

What he wasn't expecting, even though he hadn't been expecting anything, was Sephiroth's mouth against his again, tongue tracing his lips before delving inside to swallow gasps and moans. The hand that wasn't about to make Kadaj come again was beside his head, accidentally pinning him by the hair and keeping him from doing more than tangling his own hands in Sephiroth's hair and trying not to pull.

"Kadaj..."

He almost missed hearing his name. The sound of the rain was all he could hear as he came. He could feel his semen on Sephiroth's hand, hot and wet as it was spread along him somewhere during the last few seconds of climax. Sephiroth was moving faster within him. He closed his eyes, a little unsure that they'd actually been open.

"Kadaj!"

For a few seconds there was only the sound of rain hitting the window, and a bit of light from the old lamp one of his - Cloud's neighbors had given him.

"Kadaj?"

Squeezing his eyes shut firmly and opening them again, Kadaj looked up at the very familiar ceiling and then over to Cloud and Cloud's hand resting on his shoulder.

"Cloud?"

"You were moaning in your sleep. Tifa threw a few healing spells your way, but your head has to..."

Chuckling, Kadaj rolled onto his side, facing away from Cloud. He didn't ache at all. Not his head, not inside. Not anywhere.

"Kadaj?"

"I'm fine," Kadaj managed. The grey of the sky didn't tell a thing about the time of day. But he was fairly sure he'd been out for quite awhile.

"I'll go get Tifa," Cloud commented. He pushed back the chair he'd been sitting on beside the bed, knocking it into the bedside table and making the lamp flicker for a few seconds. "She was really worried."

Kadaj blinked. And he thought he understood.

At least a little bit.