Kalli's Journal

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Closer

"Why’d you let ‘im do that...?" The question was barely audible, mumbled between swollen lips where he had been punched all too recently. His companion could make the words out, however, being so close in the small, dark cell.

"Who?" the blond whispered back, mind still a little foggy after the day’s experiments. All the time they were drugging him up, filling him with shit that was making him lose more and more of himself. His brain often felt like a pile of mush.

Silence passed between them for a few moments before Zack clarified, "Seph..."

Cloud tensed, chilled inside and out now, with an emptiness and fear that had never existed in him before when that name had been mentioned... before any of this happened. His newly glowing eyes searched Zack’s face beside him, wondering why the SOLDIER couldn’t have asked about not struggling with Hojo any longer. Anything, really, except the question that made him look into a close past, yet seemed so distant, before disaster stuck.

‘Why did I let him do what he did to me?’ Zack wanted to know, and even a little bit of the blond still couldn’t figure it out. Where could he start to search for the answer? He wasn’t sure where to search, or how to vocalize what he had felt back then, still felt now... even thought the pale-haired General was now gone, lost forever from his grasp.

Arms, still strong after a year of "treatments," closed about Cloud, holding him close to the only other warmness in the dark room. Silently the blond began to shake and squeezed his eyes shut tightly to fight against the liquid threatening to spill.

"I’m sorry," Zack managed, nuzzling his face into Cloud’s dirty, blond hair.

"You do know that I think you’re insane," his voice whispered alluringly directly into a smoothly curved ear. "One slip and you’re finished... They’ll toss you away and your chance will be lost..."

A slight moan and pant was all there was for a reply. The man’s hand was down the blond boy’s shorts, gently fondling the boy’s genitals. Neither the actions nor the words were new; they had been done and said before.

"Se-Sephiroth..." the blond gasped as he arched up into the warm hand surrounding him and gave out a small cry as he reached his climax.

Smiling slightly, Sephiroth tugged off the remaining clothes from he and his partner so that when he rolled onto his back and pulled Cloud to sit on top of him, they were flesh to flesh.  The blond knew his actions, the routine to follow. He sat, knees bent on either side of Sephiroth’s body, on his lover’s belly, rounded ass feeling the brush of a needy cock, waiting.  If he wasn’t quick enough, Sephiroth would still take him, only... that hurt a little more than he’d like to admit.

Raising himself up a bit on his knees, Cloud sucked on the fingers of his right hand before bringing them down beneath himself, seeking out the small entrance to his being; the place this pale-haired, first class SOLDIER owned solely. Finding it, his finger pressed in, the second finger quickly following. They were both impatient, he felt it and saw it in the way Sephiroth held his body, the way those glowing eyes bore into him unforgivingly.

‘Now.’ The word was behind those eyes, both a warning and a demand. ‘Now.’

Taking in a breath, Cloud guided himself back down, taking in the head of the other’s shaft between his legs. Head thrown back, he gasped quietly, easing himself down only to have eager hips thrust upward and forcing him all the way upon his lover. He bit back a whimper at the suddenness of being filled. Long, strong hands gripped his hips as the man below began moving, lowering and raising hips to pull in and out of the blond.

Cloud adjusted well enough and was soon moving to meet Sephiroth’s forceful strokes. It didn’t take long for the pale-haired man to come, the blond climaxing again soon after. After a minute or two of recovery, Cloud moved himself off his superior officer and curled up on one side of the bed, a yawn escaping him.

‘You’re really a sick bastard. Geez, look at him, he’s a damn kid.’ Sephiroth glanced sidelong at the blond with an expressionless face. Cloud’s head snuggled into the pillow, eyes fully closed, and within a few minutes his mouth lay partly opened. He looked beautiful, but in an innocent way that a child should.

‘What does it matter? He agrees to it.’ Deciding that argument was settled for the night, Sephiroth tossed part of a sheet over the blond’s glistening body before turning his head away and getting ready to sleep.

"You’re late." It was really a useless observation. Sephiroth never was on time for this man, refused to come when he was expected, if he had to come at all. "If this keeps up we might have to bring in that playmate of yours for motivation."

The pale-haired man didn’t react, continuing to stare coldly at the scientist a few feet away, typing away some sort of report on a computer terminal. It took a few minutes before it was obvious to the scientist that there would be no reply to that statement. Snorting softly, Hojo finished typing and stood, pushing his glasses further up his nose as he glanced over Sephiroth.

"You’re behind on treatments, boy. Come along, best you not have plans for the day." Sephiroth followed silently, eyes narrowing slightly, the only outward side of hatred of the scientist. He would sit stoically as always, enduring the testing and the shit pumped into him, if only to keep some sort of routine that would remind him who he was:

ShinRa’s perfect toy soldier.

"Hey, wait up!" The young man squeezed between the doorframe and a girl carrying books to head after the blond head that was bobbing in and out of his sight. "Cloud! Wait!"

The blond stopped in the slightly crowded hallway and peered back. In a moment the black-haired young man had caught up and clapped a hand on the other’s shoulder. "Whew, aren’t you in a rush?"

Cloud shrugged, partially smiling. "I guess."

His companion, Zack, raised an eyebrow but didn’t ask questions in a hallway where anyone could hear. "What do you say to heading to the dorm and changing and then getting into town for something to eat?"

"Maybe," was all Cloud provided for the time being.

They lapsed into silence, uncomfortable on Zack’s end. The truth was that he’d only gotten to know the blond after Sephiroth had asked - although it didn’t exactly sound like a request from the General - the SOLDIER to take on a younger roommate. Unsure of the motives, but surprised from being asked a favor from his more-often-than-not distant friend, Zack agreed. When the blond began to disappear all night, coming in early in the mornings, he began to understand.

At first it hadn’t mattered, what was his new roommate’s bossiness was with his pale-haired friend really wasn’t something he should get into. The problem was that over time Zack began to know Cloud, hear bits and pieces from his life, both the good and the bad, and at times even got some details on his relationship with Sephiroth that Zack really did not need to hear. Of course he knew a bit about how the General was with lovers, and he disliked thinking of Cloud in such positions. Yet no matter how he urged either of the two, pleas, logic, or threats, neither paid him heed - except for Sephiroth when he was told to shut up.

Once inside their room, Cloud set his stuff down and moved to the closet to pull out a plain T-shirt and jeans. Zack watched silently, a bit apprehensive, and sat down on the bottom bunk that Cloud never slept on - except when Sephiroth was too irritated to deal with even his blond lover.

"So, what was the rush?"

Cloud glanced back as he undid his belt and the fastenings of his pants. "Oh, Seph’s gotten stuck in the lab today. He’s really impatient afterwards."

"...Are you sure you’re okay going to see him like that?" Zack inquired carefully.

Cloud changed his shirt and pants before speaking again. "It’s really not that big of deal, Zack. Jeez, are you this paranoid ‘cuz you’ve never gotten any?"

Face briefly flaming, the older teen scowled. "Hardly. But I’ve known Sephiroth longer than you and I know he’s rough."

Raising an eyebrow at that, Cloud questioned, "And you know that from personal experience?"

Rolling his eyes, Zack refrained from answering. He watched as Cloud moved about the room, preparing for the night ahead. Dirty clothes were stuck in the basket for laundry and a comb was retrieved to semi-tame wild spiked locks of hair. A glance at the clock and the blond headed for the door.

"Cloud..." Zack spoke again as the door controls were being reached. The blond glanced at him with a blank look. "Just be careful, okay?" Cloud gave a crooked grin and chuckled briefly. The ease with which the blond left and completely blew off the warning was painful. Sighing almost inaudibly, Zack lay back on the bed pondering what he could do to get the blond out of his mind.

Cloud slipped his cardkey into the slot next to Sephiroth’s door, humming lightly to himself some nameless tune that kept the silence at bay. Zack’s concern annoyed him. What he hated most was that he knew there were times when that concern was justified. Gritting his teeth, Cloud denied the former thought and walked into the dark sitting room. ‘Damnit, he’s just overprotective.’

Realizing that he was alone, Cloud paused to double-check that conclusion. It was reasonably early evening, but Sephiroth was always waiting for him earlier than normal when he’d been stuck in the lab for the day. The blond wasn’t privy to exactly what went on there or just what sort of things Hojo did - he’d heard a lot of strange things about the Mad Scientist, but no one offered proof to him. He guessed that whatever Sephiroth went in there for was for testing that only a high-class and powerful SOLDIER could do.

Deciding that the wait wouldn’t be long, Cloud headed into the bedroom, stripping as he went. ‘It would be far easier,’ he thought, ‘if I just wore a blanket here.’ He curled on top of the cool sheets and rested his head against the pillow, closing his eyes and imagining the pattern the cadets had learned that day with newly issued guns. Truthfully he had dreams of mastering a sword and winning himself a name like Sephiroth or respect like Zack.

As the time passed, he began to yawn. It had been a long day after all, after a long night. Perhaps before Sephiroth came in he could get a quick nap.

The halls were too bright for his increased senses. He felt light cringing back and shading his eyes but there were still guards and regular employees making their rounds in the hallways and he didn’t want any more attention than he normally received. Reaching his room was a blessing, and thankfully the lights were out. He slumped momentarily against the wall beside the closed door.

Sephiroth’s fingers trembled from the high dosage of drugs and Mako Hojo had pumped into his system and his head felt like it was spinning. He somehow managed to get out of his clothes, feeling too hot, and stumbled towards the bedroom, only forcing himself to regain his balance when he realized that Cloud’s clothing was on the floor.

Dim light filtered through the blinds over the window, but it was enough to reflect off pale skin of the youth laying curled on his side on the bed. ‘Gods he’s gorgeous,’ his mind murmured. ‘How do you manage to monopolize him, Seph?’

He felt the dark grin cross his lips. A chuckle rose inside him but didn’t make it out into the air. Where was his train of thought going? He was doped and the kid was sleeping peacefully, why mess with it any farther? What he really needed was sleep.

Approaching the bed, he knew that any innocent thoughts were tossed aside. He dropped onto the bed on hands and knees. With one hand he cupped the back of Cloud’s shin and moved upward, following thigh and ass and then back down again. The blond sighed softly in his sleep and smiled. ‘Wake him up with a surprise,’ a voice urged. Subconsciously he knew that the voice wasn’t his own, it wasn’t the right tone or "feeling", but he ignored that fact, turning the blond’s hips for better access before descending and blowing softly on the tip of the exposed cock. He wrapped his lips over the head and moved down, running his tongue along the length as well.

Cloud woke up with a start and struggled back for a second before recognizing his surroundings and the head of silver hair over his crotch. Sensation and image matched up and he moaned, ending in a gasp.

Now that the blond was awake, he was impatient. His body still felt trembly and he wished he could slaughter that feeling of weakness. Sephiroth removed his mouth although Cloud muffled a sound of protest. "Suck," he demanded, pressing fingers against the teen’s mouth. He panted softly, from the sensations of drugs in his body rather than passion, and roughly took back his fingers and spread the blond’s legs wide.

He wasn’t gentle or long in preparing the opening that he penetrated bare moments later. His movements were deep and forceful, probably bruising, but his mind was apart from his body as he pounded into the smaller body and finally released.

These nightly rituals were a far better routine than those of the lab. At least here he was in control.

Zack had kept a closer eye on him since the day he’d had to stay in bed on his stomach instead of going to his classes, which meant nearly two months of wary watching was getting really old. "I can go to the fucking shower by myself! Would you lay off?"

Hazel eyes darkened. "I’m hearing too much about ‘little incidents’ happening in the showers lately. Nothing’s being done so I have no doubt that it’ll keep happening and I’ll be damned if I let some shit like that happen to you."

Frustrated beyond belief, Cloud stormed from the room with towel and clothes in hand, somehow managing to slam the door behind him as well. Left behind, Zack sighed and ran a hand over his face. He was getting overprotective... Cloud could hold his own. He turned back to the book he’d been reading but the letters jumbled together in patterns that didn’t make any sense.

Momentarily burying his face against crossed arms on the desk, Zack muttered an apology before standing up and heading down the hall towards the showers. He’d at least check on Cloud...

He walked down the hall feeling rather guilty and a little embarrassed. Zack refrained himself from sighing again, really hating how that habit was growing on him. He entered the locker room rubbing a sore spot on his neck. No one was around and he only heard one shower going on the other side of the divider. He stepped in farther, preparing to call out to Cloud, whether he’d be on the receiving end of another searing glare of not, when he realized there were angry voices slowly rising.

Zack dashed around the partition to see an older cadet fly out of one of the shower stalls and slump to the ground unconscious. "Cloud?" he called.

Two other bodies came into view, one tripping another into a wet heap on the floor. Cloud appeared shortly thereafter, looking pissed as hell. "You get the fuck out of here now and I won’t decide to make an example of you and spread your blood on the walls." How the small blond could manage to look so intimidating while naked and dripping wet was an unexplained mystery. Somehow, though, it was enough to send the two fully conscious men cursing and stumbling away.

Apparently noticing Zack for the first time, the blond turned and placed fists on his hips as he glared at the older boy. "Still not convinced I can take care of myself?" he demanded.

Jaw slightly agape, Zack wasn’t really sure what to say... and damn, Cloud was really distracting... "Um... ah..."

Rolling his eyes in irritation, Cloud returned to his shower as if nothing had happened.

Instead of heading back to their dorm room, Zack made his way out of doors. He walked through the large courtyard formed by the surrounding housing buildings with no real intention of a destination. After a rather long stroll he moved towards the dorms again with hands in his pocket, wondering how to pacify Cloud if the blond was still angry with him.

From the corner of his eye he caught a glimpse of silver hair and stopped. Sephiroth was leaving the building where Zack and Cloud stayed and the blond wasn’t far behind, trailing the General in a subtle matter that wouldn’t be obvious to pick up if he wasn’t looking for it. Zack turned away, jaw clenching. Jealousy really, really sucked.

A few weeks later Zack found himself struggling with high security codes on the door to his room. That was clue enough that something was going on in there. But he was too tired after an exhausting day to really care what that something was. Finally getting through, the door slid open and he had to jump in fast before it closed again. ‘Who the heck programmed...’ his thoughts trailed off as his senses kicked in.

Not daring to look to the side, he stared blankly ahead at the desk a few feet from him and moved a hand up to cover his nose and mouth. The smell of  sweat, liquor, and sex permeated the air, making his knees weak and his stomach unsettled. ‘They’re never in here!’ he protested silently. A groan sent a shiver through him and his eyes betrayed his better thinking and focused on the bodies half on/half off the lower bunk.

Cloud’s head was thrown back as his arms and legs wrapped about Sephiroth’s naked form. Rough pants and moans continued to escape both lips in an animalistic fashion as ecstasy mounted higher. Unable to tear his eyes away, Zack leaned hard against the wall, sliding down to sit on the floor as he watched. Any hopes that he’d had of ever, ever getting a chance with the blond were being smashed to bits before him.

Sephiroth finished with a grunt and Cloud followed with what sounded like a breathless squeal. Zack felt sick. He turned his head away as the two collapsed onto the bed and shut his eyes. His skin crawled, he felt dirty and disgusting. He knew if he took his hand away from his face he really would vomit.

"Zack? What the hell?"

In a burst of sudden anger that relieved him of the sickness mounting inside him, Zack yelled, "It’s my fucking room, too! Can’t you leave me out of this?!" Cool green eyes regarded him without emotion, blue eyes were filled with a mix of annoyance and embarrassment.

The sick feeling returned, the black-haired teen hurried to his feet and grabbed for the door controls and rushed down to the showers. Thankfully there was no one around and he was left alone to choose a stall far down the row and pulled the curtains shut. He turned on the hot water and let if wash over him, clothes and all, as he kneeled, resting against a side wall. His chest heaved and his throat ached, but he heard no sobs escape him and felt no tears.

The image was burned in his mind.

Somehow things managed to be pacified by the time Zack and Cloud were put on an assignment together, headed by Sephiroth no less. Zack was more than a little less than joyed by the prospect of sharing a hotel room with the two lovers, but hoped nothing would happen with him around considering that there was another cadet placed on the mission and he’d have to be in the room too...

‘Scheming gets you nowhere.’ So instead he stood up and began to pace as much as he could in the space in the back of the truck that wasn’t taken up by supplies and the three other members of this happy party.

"Stop acting like a little kid," Sephiroth muttered, an unusual playful look glittering in his eye. Zack resisted the urge to stick his tongue out in reply and just shrugged, hands up in a helpless gesture.

"Yo, Spike, how you holding out?" he asked, bending over and peering at the completely blue-covered Cloud. He only received a hand waving slightly in response. "Hmm, that bad, huh? Sorry I don’t have any advice, I’ve never been motion sick." He began to pace again. "So what’s up with the mission?"

Sephiroth took his eyes off Cloud and glanced casually at Zack. "Apparently there’s an excessive amount of monsters appearing in the town, thought to be from the reactor, which is really what makes it our business."

"Didn’t know monsters could be made in Mako reactors." Sephiroth made some noncommittal sound, attention drifting elsewhere as Zack watched. Hiding a groan of boredom, Zack dropped down next to the other cadet and started up a random conversation to keep him busy until Nibelheim.

"Hey! It's you! You're still sane, right?" It was the martial arts master he’d met with Cloud a week earlier; he seemed to be the only one standing.

Zack rushed down the steps, avoiding the flames of fire. Dear gods what the hell was Sephiroth thinking?!

"Come over here and help me! I'll check this house. You check that one over there." Zack numbly moved towards Cloud’s house but the flames rose in a blaze within the doorway and even if he could get in, he knew no one was left alive.

A groan by his feet caught his attention and he knelt down. He shook his head upon pulling back the blue head covering of the ShinRa cadet and clenched his jaw. ‘Damnit Sephiroth... don’t you care even a little for him? This is...’ He looked up and back towards the mansion in time to catch the sight of the General in the middle of dancing flames, cutting down both the people challenging him and fleeing from him. When he was finished, the pale-haired man turned, moving towards the mountain path.

I’m going to see Mother, he had said in the basement.

‘I knew you could be fucked up in the head, but this?!’ Zack smoothed the blond strands of hair over Cloud’s face and gently kissed his brow. "I’m sorry... but even if you love him I can’t let him continue like this..." He regained his footing and drew his sword, sprinting to catch up with Sephiroth.

It was strange how the thoughts that cross one’s mind in a serious situation never truly make sense. When Zack stood behind Sephiroth as the man approached the thing he was calling "Mother", the only thing he was thinking was how not so very long ago he’d been the only one Sephiroth would give more than one minute of serious attention to.

"What are you doing?" he uttered, disbelieving of the fact that his friend could be doing something so stupid.

"Get away, traitor!" With a whip-like motion the Masamune flew at him, slicing into his chest before Zack got up his buster sword to block the end of the swipe.

He was flung back, falling down the stairs of the reactor in an arc, his body arching as Cloud’s had when the blond and Sephiroth had decided to startle him by having sex in their dorm room without warning. That scene played again in his mind and he wanted to scream how unfair it was to have that image stuck in his mind when he was probably going to die when he crashed back down.

‘Sorry, Spike... So sorry, I really liked you...’
 

His body gave quite a few audible crunches as he landed and he was in too much pain to even make a sound. He did his best to remain still, felt the broken bones threatening to tear skin. A voice whispered next to his ear, softly pleading and then apologizing. Tears, for him, and a brief kiss on the cheek. A goodbye. A tear escaped his eye and overwhelming sadness added to his pain. "Sorry..." he croaked, unsure where Cloud was with his eyes still closed, only hoping the blond heard. Because he failed, he’d placed friend against friend, lover against lover, and while he didn’t know enough about Sephiroth’s feelings, he did know Cloud had fallen in love.

Footsteps sounded in the hallway and both could hear it now, after treatments to enhance their senses. Cloud stiffened in Zack’s embrace and the older man attempted to hold the blond tighter. No more, this was too much...

"He always wanted me," Cloud whispered. Confused by the seemingly sudden statement, Zack remained silent. "I was never wanted, never needed, Zack..." It was an answer to his earlier question, an answer that came out in a trembling voice, fearing the on-coming events and the destruction of memories and identity. "I was always wanted and needed with him..."

The door to the cell opened, too bright to look at after hours in the darkness and Zack had to close his eyes, couldn’t see the men who jerked the blond away from his hold. He gave a weak cry and lunged forward but was knocked away. The cell door closed again and he let himself lay there brokenly, working Cloud’s words over in his mind.

‘But I always wanted and needed you...’