Kalli's Journal

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You Walk

'You walk...

'You don't walk. All that stuff about walking that you used to do? That doesn't work anymore. It just doesn't. You're frustrated, of course, even though you knew it was an eventuality, as injury after injury compounded. You saw your own mobility just sort of slip away into the aether...

'You get stared at. At first it's because there's no visible reason for you to have those crutches or to ask for a wheelchair or powered cart in the store. You feel like a real idiot the first time you try out that powered cart, too, by the way. You hit a couple of displays. At least you don't hit any small children.

'You're a little better the second time. But it's still embarrassing, and with pants on, your braces aren't terribly visible and everyone just thinks you're lazy. Suddenly, you have a lot more empathy for people with heart conditions or whatever who can't even pull up their pantlegs and show off gleaming metal and explain why the cart is necessary. You never even mentally question anyone with crutches or a wheelchair or powered cart again. Yay for them having the guts to do what they need to do.

'Your doctor will always be busy suggesting various kinds of surgery which have success rates that, in other fields, would make people laugh. If you went to work and told your boss you had a twenty percent chance of getting everything done and having a successful project, you'd be looking for a new job. When your doctor says there's a new surgery and it has a twenty percent success rate and beams at you like you're going to sign right up, you are going to want to punch him.

'You'll punch a lot of things, at some point. Maybe. Depending on how you deal with frustration. You will be frustrated. You'll deal with a lot of rejection. That never gets easier.

'However, you are generally better than the person who rejected you. And you will judge people very differently in the future.

'You will have to decide, and it can vary, how you want to deal with people who don't want to reject you and instead want to help you. Most people will ignore you, which is fine. Being ignored is actually a good option, compared to staring and rude questions and everything else.

'The helpful people are something else, though. Because they come in two categories - the ones who don't care if you prefer to do things for yourself and will follow you around trying to be helpful and the kind who'll help once asked and will then ask if you need anything else, a cycle which can be repeated.

'Your friends will include all of the groups. Some will ignore you and your condition. Some will stare and act awkward, as if you're somehow not the person you've been for the last however-many decades of your life. You'll lose some of these people. It's not your fault.

'As for the helper friends, there'll usually be one who'll constantly try to do things for you, usually before you need them. They'll over-research and might even get to be as annoying as your twenty-percent doctors. When you lay down the law with them, which usually comes as part of frustration, they will be hurt and may back away for a long time. They may not listen. Hopefully, they will come around or you will just have to stop inviting them to do such. If they happen to be your roommate, you may have to be more forceful with your explanations.

'The other sort of helper-friends are the ones who know better than to assume, but will make themselves available. They're a great kind, as long as they aren't just hanging around to be needed. Store clerks often also come in this variety.

'There is nothing wrong with asking a store clerk for assistance throughout an entire expedition. There is also nothing wrong with asking them for something once and then telling them you're fine.

'You just can't walk. But you get to make all your other decisions and everything else.

'And sometimes, when you're famous enough, you're even asked to do things like write articles.

'You never know. You have your entire future.

'You walk...'