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Kain's World (Ep 1)

(Camera fades from black, unsteadily and obviously done by someone unskilled in the art of the fade in. The setting is an ancient catacomb, kinda damp looking and dusty. Sitting on a sarcophagus are BO2 Kain and Pre-SR Raziel.

After flickering on and off once, the 'Kain's World' logo locks upon the screen for several seconds before vanishing completely.)

Kain: Welcome back to Kain's World. Because I rule it.

Raziel: Party on, Kain!

Kain: Party on, Raziel.

Raziel: We have a very special guest tonight. Ignoring any and all forms of canon, let us welcome Janos Audron.

(The camera swings wildly over towards the doorway, accompanied by the sound of a couple sets of claws clapping. Nothing happens.

A moment later, Janos strolls in, apparently eating a cookie.)

Kain: What are you doing? Get over here and be interviewed.

(Janos opens his mouth to speak, but is interrupted by Umah bounding down into the crypt with a tray of cookies.)

Umah: I thought you boys would like some Blood and Peanut Butter Cookies!

(Kain pulls the Reaver from beside him and stands... But the scene cuts to a Public Service Announcement for Nosgoth Fledgeling Daycare. When Kain's World comes back on, Kain is licking his lips. Janos seems to have been frightened into sitting down beside Raziel, and Melchiah and Rahab are sitting in the background, fighting over the last of the cookies.)

Raziel: Party on, Kain! That was some excellent reaving.

Kain: Well, Raziel, this is my world.

Raziel: Whoa! Intense! Anyway, we're here with Janos Audron, most excellent ancient vampire. So what do you do with yourself after the first hundred years?

(Janos ponders for a moment)

Janos: I do alot of knitting. It gets nippy in my Aerie. And lonely, too.

(Janos scoots a little closer to Raziel, who seems oblivious)

Raziel: So you're saying you spend more time beating the meat than even Turel?

Turel: (from behind the camera, which shudders as he speaks) That was not cool.

(Janos is leering now, slipping his arm around Raziel)

Janos: Simply practice for when the one I'm waiting for comes.

(Kain does not seem amused that his property is being touched. Again he grabs for the Reaver... And the scene cuts to a volley of reminders about just when Kain's World broadcasts.)

(When the show comes back, both Kain and Janos look a bit rumpled and ruffled but are sitting back in an interview position. Raziel is visible in the background, being held by Melchiah and fed bits of cookie by Rahab.)

Janos: Wait just a moment - why is that display deemed appropriate?

Kain: (smirking) Just think about it a moment, Janos.

Janos: (does so, before blushing a strange color of purple) Are you saying that...

Kain: (sharply) On with the interview.

Janos: (takes one last peek behind him) Of course.

Kain: It all comes down to one question, Janos... Why Vorador? Why not any other...

Janos: (attempting to look innocent) Vorador lacks a gag point.

Zephon: (from behind another camera) So does Raziel!

Janos: (raises an eyebrow before peeking back at the brothers behind him)

Kain: (glares) That's all the time we have tonight. Be sure to join me next time for the usual human sacrifices and special guests. This is my world, after all. Party on!

(screen fades to Kain's World logo and then to black...)

(by Gnome, thanks!)