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Title: Dis-Array
Fandom: Fullmetal Alchemist
Disclaimer: No ownership implied, no profit gained. This is a fanwork.
Characters/Pairings: Full Cast
Rating: T
Summary: Havoc has a stopwatch. Alchemy goes awry!
Notes: From a challenge to cross various fandoms over with Chintsubu, which is a manga about talking penises.

Havoc took his thumb off the stopwatch and let it run. Five minutes had come and gone and yet neither Roy nor Ed had started yelling. In fact, the pair was so deep in what they were doing that it was as if they weren't in the middle of the office, surrounded by gawking soldiers, doing it.

Since everyone had lost, the money from the office pool was going to Al's cause, the animal shelter on the other side of town. But Havoc wasn't even thinking about that as he watched Ed grab Roy's hand and guide, saying something so low that likely they were the only ones to hear it.

Falman glanced at the door, perhaps wondering if each noise in the hallway was Al returning with a book from the library, potentially the book that would decipher exactly what was going on. Because despite being exceptionally skilled, intelligent men, they just weren't quite getting the darned thing right.

Fury was fairly enthralled just to see Roy so interested in something instead of his usual work-related boredom. Breda just pretended not to be anywhere near as enthralled as he was. He'd already lost the office pool, but he really didn't mind the thought of learning something new. And this was certainly new.

Roy was moving Ed's hand now, back to a spot lower than it had been. Ed shook his head. They stared at each other.

Havoc moved his thumb back to the stopwatch. They did need an official time, after all.

"Maybe we need to look at the situation again," Edward said, flopping back and kicking his feet out. "This was well thought-out."

"The Puppetmaking Alchemist, age thirty-four, studying controllable non-sentient 'dolls', for lack of a better term," Roy said for what felt like the hundredth time. He had the feeling he could make it into a song and dance number, for all it would help. "Vanished from her home without telling anyone, leaving just this matrix burned into the floor and slight traces of a silicon-based substance spilled around it.

"Can't you just activate it or something?" Breda asked, leaning over the complex lines sketched out in chalk on the office floor.

"Not without knowing what it does," Roy replied, glaring at his subordinate. "Suppose it turns us all into..."

"Dogs," Havoc cut in, looking at Breda. "You'd be scared of yourself."

The door flew open and in marched Al, shadowed, literally, by Armstrong.

"Al!" Ed cried. "Did you get the book?"

"I carried it safely back," Armstrong answered, handing over the leather bound text before closing the door and standing to guard it.

"He ran into me on the way back," Al said as Ed snatched the book away from Armstrong. "He insisted on carrying it back because it would be safer with him, and if it was for something important..."

But Ed had stopped listening, too enveloped in the text to do more than motion for Al to sit down beside him.

Suddenly, Ed grimaced.

"What?" Al asked, leaning over the book and blocking Ed's view as his hair spilled over the book.

"Don't touch that thing," Ed warned, snapping the book shut and trying to back away, managing to half stand as he staggered backwards.

"What is it?" Roy asked, starting to stand and reaching for the book.

The door flew open just then, knocking a half-leaning Armstrong into a half-staggering Ed who reached out to grab for Roy but only landed on Al... and the mysterious alchemy array.

...which activated.

The array flashed in a blinding light that enveloped the room, causing Brosh to shield his eyes with his hands as he stepped inside. He'd knocked, of course, but it had seemed as though no one was paying attention to him. And he had paperwork for Lt. Colonel Elric to sign.

Thankfully Armstrong managed to get to his feet, leaving the three smaller men beneath him enough room to untangle themselves.

Roy glared at Brosh. Al grabbed at the leather bound book.

"What... was that?" Havoc asked, letting the still-running stopwatch fall to the desk. He didn't feel right but he didn't quite know why...

Ed... was looking down his pants.

"Brother?" Al asked, trying to find the page Ed had been on. "Why are you...?"

And then he found the page, reading about a sentence before dropping the text and pulling at his own belt.

Slowly all the men in the room looked around at each other and followed suit, not entirely sure just why they were checking out their manly parts in the middle of the day other than the strange feeling in their respective stomachs.

Al broke the silence.

"I just got it back and... and..."

Roy snatched the book. His pants were undone and hanging perilously low on his hips. "You've got to be kidding me."

Havoc wished he wanted a cigarette. But for the first time in a long time, he just... didn't.

"She... made... a... puppet... penis..." Ed stammered, flushing extremely red.

"But if activated without material and by a bunch of people who already have penises..." Roy stopped, unsure of the next part. "But why don't we have our own?"

"Because someone copied a line wrong," Ed replied, glaring at Roy. "Most likely a stupid shit Colonel who..."

Havoc grabbed for the stopwatch. Thirteen minutes and forty-seven seconds. Not that it mattered.

"So, um... whose, um... I..." Fury was about as red-faced as the rest of them, if not more.

"We will all have to drop our pants," Armstrong surmised. "Hopefully everyone can locate their gonads by sight."

No one moved.

Falman, who was over by the wall, suddenly, shakily dropped to his knees, looking down into his uniform pants as though something even more bizarre had happened.

"I was just informed that this one belongs to Breda," he said.

"It talked?" Roy asked, again pulling at his pants and gazing downward.

"Yours always has led you around," Ed muttered. "Might be right for it to have a mind of its own."

"So we ask them?" Brosh inquired, finally letting his pants drop.

Al followed suit, and the rest followed.

"Would the phallus attached to me please state its owner?" Armstrong demanded, looking downward with a frightening amount of interest.

Edward lunged at the book, which Roy was holding up in the air, above Ed's head.

Al sat crying by the wall. "What if it's Ed's? What if I want to touch it?"

Havoc... wondered if he'd gotten Roy's. And if maybe it could help hook him up.


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Disclaimer: I don't own it, I'm just playing with it. All titles and characters belong to their respective creators and companies.